Can you recover from Financial Infidelity?

I recently returned home to North Queensland and caught up with one of my oldest guy mates. We’ve be mates since early high school maintaining a friendship through different careers, continents and relationships. As is typical of our catch ups, we chatted about work, our families and where life had taken our many mutual friends. Then he told me a story that really stopped me in my tracks. A shared acquaintance has won a sizeable bet on the footy - we’re talking $60,000 big. Anyone who knows me knows that I’m not a fan gambling but I accept it’s a popular Australian past time. In fact, as much as 73% of the Australian adult population gambled in the last 12 months (Australian Institute of Families). Nevertheless, the gambling wasn’t the alarming part of the story. What was alarming is what he did with the money. For context, this guy is married with three kids and a mortgage. Winning that kind of money would put a significant dent in the mortgage and save the family a swag of interest charges offering some welcome financial relief in an era of soaring interest rates and a spiralling cost of living. Did he share the winnings with his family? No. Instead, he rounded up his mates and took them on an all expenses ski holiday to New Zealand on the condition that they did tell his wife or their partners who was paying for it. In the meantime, he told his wife he’d had a win of $8,000, proceeded to give her $3,000 and said he was spending $5,000 on a ski trip with the boys. He had committed what, according to a Finder survey, 1 in 5 Australians define as a the ultimate betrayal - financial infidelity.

What is Financial Infidelity?

Financial infidelity occurs when one partner in a committed relationship either hides, lies about or misuses money without their partner’s knowledge or consent. Examples can include keeping a secret bank account, having undisclosed debts, or even undisclosed spending or gambling.

Financial infidelity can range from the seemingly harmless like lying to your partner that the new designer handbag your sporting is something you’ve ‘had for years!’ to more sinsiter instances like taking out debts against joint assets, like the family home, without your partner’s consent. Regardless of what takes place the one thing it always does is erode the trust in a relationship whilst also jeopardising your financial wellbeing.

Research from ING Direct found that across Australia both men and women aren’t being completely honest with their partner about money with as many as 1 in 5 admitting they have a secret financial account. Interestingly, the primary two reasons for a woman to keep a secret account was in case the relationship didn’t work out or as a safety back stop for emergencies. Men, on the other hand, cited that the top three reasons they kept secret savings was for social activities, buying items their partner might not approve of or spending more than their partner would approve of. Sounds a bit like my aforementioned acquaintance, doesn’t it?

The fall out of Financially Infidelity is Significant

The discovery of financial infidelity in your relationship is as unpleasant as it sounds. Lying to your partner about your finances involves deceit and secrecy which erodes trust and intimacy leading to increased conflict and increases the potential for the relationship to fail. Discussing money and managing finances as a couple can be challenging for many. There’s a broad lack of financial literacy across Australia. That coupled with the common feelings of guilt, shame and fear when it comes to money doesn’t support couples to discuss money in a healthy way or manage it effectively as a team. Given the potentially heartbreaking fall out of failing to create financial harmony, it’s essential that couples embrace learning about money, developing a language that supports health money conversations and find a way to align behind joint financial goals.

Can you recover from Financial Infidelity?

Recovering from financial infidelity in an intimate relationship requires mutual effort, commitment and patience. If you’re going to truly overcome this betrayal, you’ll both need to demonstrate compassion towards each other and an unwavering commitment to the healing process. Here’s 5 steps you can take to recover from Financial Infidelity:

Step 1: Openly acknowledge and address the issue

It’s important that both partners acknowledge and accept the presence of financial dishonestly within their relationship. Avoid diminishing the gravity of the situation, as doing so will only prolong the process of healing. Be open to engaging in candid discussions about the incident and how it impacted the relationship. Foster an environment where both partners feels safe to freely express their emotions and sentiments concerning the event. You may wish to seek help from a third party like a couples therapist, a financial counsellor or financial coach who specialises in working with couples navigating financial issues. A skilled expert can provide valuable guidance, facilitate constructive dialogues, and equip with the tools to rebuild trust.

Step 2: Establish mutually agreed ground rules for managing money together

In an ideal scenario, every couple should engage in a conversation about their financial management early in their committed relationship. Nevertheless, when embarking on the path to healing after financial deception, this becomes a crucial step. The partner who committed the financial infidelity must agree to be completely transparent about financial activities moving forward. Collaboratively, establish unequivocal financial agreements and boundaries within the relationship. This might involve creating a joint budget, discussing spending limits and defining financial goals. Additionally, agree on a method for making financial decisions to preempt conflicts and miscommunications.

Step 3: Align behind some inspiring financial goals

Collaborate on setting financial goals as a couple. This could include saving for a specific milestone, paying off debts, or creating an emergency fund. Working together towards shared goals can help foster trust, cooperation and build intimacy.

Step 4: Check in regularly to build trust and transparency

Financially successful couples have regular money dates which fosters ongoing transparency, alignment and accountability. It may take time for trust to rebuild through open and honest communication. Stay committed to improving communication about financial matters and confronting any fears or concerns that arise. It helps to practise active listening, consciously display empath and understanding when discuss money matters.

Step 5: Find ways to have fun & grow together

Let the experience of financial infidelity be an opportunity for personal and relational growth. Learn from past mistakes and make a commitment to improving your shared financial knowledge, practice healthy money habits, prioritise open communication about money and…. have fun! Life is for living and having a healthy financial relationship will help you to live a good life together.

The event of financial infidelity doesn’t have to spell the end of your relationship if both parties (and it most be both) are willing to heal together. Overcoming financial infidelity will require effort, commitment and open communication. It begins with acknowledge the issue and the hurt it has caused, creating space to express your feelings, and seeking the support of a professional, if required. By establishing mutually agreed framework for managing money, aligning on inspiring financial goals, and working to rebuild trust and communication with regular money dates you can overcome this negative experience and thrive as a couple. Find ways to have fun together as a couple, celebrate the progress you make along the way and enjoy the benefits of being a harmonious financial team.